Ash's bizarre life
by DryRye
Summary: Nyahyahyahyahya I did it Imouto-chan! I posted it. Anyways, it's about Ash and his mom and an OC: Random person A. A-chan dates Ash but there is more to it than that. Nyahyahyahyahyahya! Rated T for gore and people might die. You have been warned. No goats were harmed in the making of this. I hate disclaimers. As always I don't own the picture. It's also set in an AU. Swearing too.
1. Act I: The Beginning

Ash walked through the streets contemplating his love life, or lack thereof.

Staring at the sky, Ash decided that it was time for him to get a girlfriend. He continued walking until he reached a cafe, where he decided would be the best place to find someone.

He sat down at one of the booths and ordered a drink and a dessert to eat. As he waited for the food to arrive, someone walked up to his table and said "Hi."

Ash recognized the person to be be someone in his class named Random Person A or A-chan for short. A-chan sat down opposite to Ash and blushed.

"U-Umm Ash, I have always had a crush on you! Will you go out with me?" She asked shyly.

"Sure." Ash replied nonchalantly. He had always liked A-chan and now they would be girlfriend and boyfriend.

A-chan smiled happily at Ash. "Okay then, wa-want to go on a date tomorrow? At the movies? 11:00 a.m.?" She said and Ash nodded.

A-chan's smile went wider and she said goodbye and left Ash alone to eat his dessert which had arrived a few minutes earlier. Ash smiled and dug into the cake that the waitress had brought to his table. Then, he stood up, turned and ran away as fast as he could, all the way back home where his mother was waiting for him.

* * *

"Hey, Mom! I'm home!" Ash yelled as he walked through the front door.

"Welcome back." His mother said from the kitchen, where she was making something that looked like borscht(*1). It was a magenta color and there were bubbles bubbling out from it(*2). Magenta steam oozed from whatever it was and Ash heard a scream.

"Mom, do you mind if I take over dinner?" Ash asked and deflated in disappointment as his mother said to let her handle dinner.

"Oh yeah! Mom, guess what? I got a girlfriend today!" Ash said as he recalled what had happened that day, minus the dine-and-dash part.

"Congratulations." His mother said as she placed what was supposed to be dinner down in front of Ash. Ash looked at it, afraid to eat it. Eventually he gave up and downed the entire thing in one gulp. Surprisingly it only tasted half as bad as last time, or maybe his taste buds were dead, he couldn't really tell.

"Her name is A-chan." Ash continued. "She's really nice, has long white hair, down to her ankles and she's about 6'1. I really like her and she invited me to go on a date tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. at the movie theater." Ash said, looking very happy.

His mother smiled at this. Ash hadn't looked this happy since his father died. He had died about 3 years ago now and Ash had been depressed since. She felt very guilty about this because his father had died when she had accidentally mixed the wrong ingredient into their dinner.

She had misread the ingredients list and had ended up mixing cobra teeth into their dinner. Ash's father was the only one who died because he was the only full human to eat the food. But, enough reminiscing, she had a son to take care of.

"Listen, Ash, I have something to tell you." She said. "It's very important."

"What is it, Mom?" Ash asked, concerned. His mother was never this serious, so it must be important.

"I practice the dark arts." She said simply.

"What do you mean Mom?" Ash asked, now thoroughly confused.

"Basically, I'm a witch. Your father knew this and I accidentally killed him with cobra teeth. I think it's about time you begin to learn the dark arts. Follow me." She said and led her son away.

She went up to a very normal-looking bookshelf and pulled out a rather dusty old book. she flipped it to a page- page 573- and began chanting.

"O numen in tenebris artes, det mihi ad se iter mundi. Nos sumus in perpetuum gratus.(*3)" She chanted and the bookshelf exploded in a blinding red light, splattering red and pink stuff all over them and engulfing them in the same red.

"Iam confirmata ut non sedatus et tu plene humanum. Tutus datur, est pergere ad tenebras deam servientes.(*4)" An eerie voice said.

"Mom! What is this stuff?!" Ash asked. " You don't want to know and we'll wash it off as soon as we get there." She replied and walked through the bookshelf that was now a glowing mass of purple light, her son in tow. The last thing Ash saw was purple light and the back of the bookshelf.

* * *

Ash opened his eyes groggily. The last thing he remembered was totally crazy and he thought it was all a dream, after all, his mother couldn't be a witch, they didn't exist, right?

Wrong. He noticed as he opened his eyes that his mother was now wearing black robes and had a long black mantle. "Mom? What happened?" He asked.

"Well, you see, because it's the first time that you've ever been home before, you fainted. So I brought you back to the house. My old house I mean." She replied which had Ash confused. What did she mean home? Moreover what did she mean _her_ house? He thought that _their_ house was back on the other side of the bookshelf.

"What do you mean?" He asked again.

"I brought you to the dark dimension a.k.a our home. You couldn't handle the surge of power that you received and fainted." She replied looking her son straight in the eye. That meant that she wasn't lying. You see, Ash's mother had a habit of looking to the right when she lied.

"Surge of power?" Ash asked, feeling quite stupid that he didn't already know.

"Yes. When you enter the dark dimension for the first time you receive a surge of power. If you are completely human, you die of the pressure in the most painful way possible. But you are my son, so you didn't die. Now, you should get cleaned up. We have a lot of stuff to do and teach you." She said, gesturing to his body. Ash looked down and saw what looked like goat guts, staining his clothes.

"Ewwwww. What is this?" He asked his mother as he followed her to what he assumed would be the bathroom.

"It's goat guts." His mother replied simply.

"Oh ewwww." He groaned as he washed the, now identified, goat guts off.

"Ash, when you're done I'd like to teach you Latin first, okay?" She asked. Ah hummed in reply.

* * *

"So, you understand everything I've taught you?" Ash's mother asked.

"Yes. To be honest, Latin was surprisingly easy to learn." Ash commented.

"That's because Latin is a very important language in this realm, thus everyone can speak it and, after thousands of years, our genetics have changed us so that we can speak Latin easily, even as a second language. Next time, I will teach you the basics of magic, but it's getting late in the human world, so we must return." Ash's mother said as she went over to the same bookshelf they had entered the dark dimension through.

"The bookshelf is magicked so that as long as you say the right chant and are not human, you can use it without magic. This time I want you to say the chant and grant us passage back to the human world. The chant is on the 573rd page in your book of magic chants." Ash nodded, pulled out his book of magic chants and flipped through it to page 573.

He searched through the page and found the instructions for the dimensional portal, otherwise known as 'the Bookshelf'. He began chanting in Latin.

"O numen in tenebris artes, det mihi ad se iter mundi. Nos sumus in perpetuum gratus.(*3)" The bookshelf began trembling and a high pitched female voice squealed in delight.

"Oh. My. God. You are the one that I have been searching for all this time. Hecate thank you for bringing your son here. He's my new personal favorite. I like him so much! He's so cute! Please say that he will be using my services too from now on. Please." The bookshelf said in one breath.

"Glad to see you're feeling better now, Bookshelf. Yes we will be using your services from now on. Can we please enter the human world now. We can talk next time." She said.

"Mom, I thought your name was Delia, not Hecate. Why did miss Bookshelf call you that?" Ash asked.

"You mean you haven't told him yet? I can't believe you Hecate! Anyways, you should get going. Iam confirmata ut non sedatus et tu plene humanum. Tutus datur, est pergere ad tenebras deam servientes.(*4)" The bookshelf, or rather Bookshelf-chan, did not explode this time. Instead she enveloped them in a nice purple glow and when it faded they were back at their human world home.

* * *

**You can totally skip this part and go straight to the star thingy section. 'Tis just a really long A/N. Go to the next horizontal line to find the star thingy section.**

**A/N: I know that this fics style is different from what I usually do but I wanted to try romance, besides this fic will turn dark. Anyways, I don't really care. This one was not written out of boredom. I actually felt like writing something, and this wasn't friend suggested. I came up with everything. I know that I personally really hate reading fics with OC****s but I couldn't help myself. There will be more, so you have been warned and before you get weird ideas, (I'm sure that you already have them) any dark arts, or religious stuff is either made up or researched. I don't indulge in the dark arts personally so, sorry to disappoint. This is a really long A/N, but I've seen longer ones. So I'm gonna go and edit the front to say "You can totally skip this part and go straight to the star thingy section." Oh, by the way, I read fanfiction on my phone and I like to turn the letter size up because I have bad eyes, so from my point of view this is a really long A/N. This (PROBABLY) does not apply to those of us (or you if you like to seclude your weird self from other weirdos that read fanfiction) who read on computers. Yaay! I don't know why I did that. Those of you who know me personally will understand (probably). I feel like I'm trying too hard to make conversation with people who won't even reply. Finally if you like this idea, but want to apply it to anything else: go ahead. Just please give me a shout out in your inevitably long A/N. It can even be in the boring middle which I know no one reads. Anywho, this A/N is going to get longer than the chapter itself if I keep this up. So, onto the star thingy section.**

**IMOUUUUTOOOOO-CHAAAAAAAANNN! Are ya readin this? Hehehe**

* * *

Star #1: Borscht. . .

**I found this when I was searching for "strange soups from around the world and it fit with the parody I put in this chapter. So, yeah.**

Star #2: Ash's Mom's Magenta Bubbling Stew. . .

**For those of us who have watched "Blue Exorcist" think of Mephisto's "little demon flavored oatmeal". For those of us who haven't watched "Blue Exorcist" go watch it or search for "little demon flavored oatmeal and press the 21 second video. . . I guess you have a third option too, picture a bowl of bubbling magenta stuff.**

Star #3: "O numen in tenebris artes, det mihi ad se iter mundi. Nos sumus in perpetuum gratus.". . .

**I used google translate for this Latin chant, it's supposed to mean "Oh goddess of the dark arts, grant me safe passage to the other world. We are forever grateful." but google may have messed it up a bit or it couldn't be perfectly translated. Anyways, who cares? You should.**

Star #4: "Iam confirmata ut non sedatus et tu plene humanum. Tutus datur, est pergere ad tenebras deam servientes.". . .

**I, once again, used google translate to translate this. It's supposed to mean "You have been checked and confirmed as not fully human. Safe passage is granted, continue serving the dark goddess." but google may have messed that up as well.**

* * *

This is the longest chapter I've ever written. I find it hard to read fics when they are just one big blob, so I'm gonna go through it and separate it. By the way, which is better goat meat in Japanese curry or Lamb shoulder in hotpot? Please answer via review.

So, uh. . . I edited this because as I was reading my own fic in a public bathroom, I notice many mistake in story. So, I fix.


	2. Act II: Strange Stuff

When Ash arrived back at his regular home he noticed two things immediately. One: the sky was now dark. When they left for the dark dimension it was the afternoon and now the clock said 2:07 a.m. and two: his home held no sign of the goat guts that were previously sprayed on them.

"Ash, you should get to bed. You have school tomorrow." Ash's mom said, making him realise just how tired he really was. Yawning Ash headed upstairs to his room. After changing into his pyjamas, Ash got under the covers and tried to sleep.

Five minutes later he was still awake. Ash decided that it was futile to sleep so he began to think. He thought about the cake that he had stolen that day, and about how cool cobras were. He also thought about how his mother had refused to buy him a toy train because he was 12 not 5(*1). Then he thought about how Bookshelf-chan had called his mother Hecate. What had she meant by that? As far as he was concerned, his. mother's name was Delia, not Hecate.

Ash thought so hard that his head began to steam(*2). Then his pillow caught fire. Ash got up immediately and screamed. Then he stopped panicking and walked downstairs calmly.

"Mooooom! My pillow caught fire." He said.

"Ash, you shouldn't light your bed on fire." Ash's mother scolded. Then she went upstairs. There were a few loud bangs and then a scream. Twenty minutes of the loud sounds later, a neighbour pressed the doorbell.

_KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK-KNOCK! KNOCK!_

"Who's there?" Ash called from where he was standing in the living room.

"Yer neighbour!" The person at the door yelled back.

Approaching the door, Ash called again. "Your neighbour who?"

"Yer neighbour who's gonna capture and kill ya!(*3)" The neighbour yelled back and they both laughed.

Ash opened the door and looked at the man standing outside. It was the old man that lived to the right of them. His name was Yamada Satoshi*** (Them living in Japan he had been introduced with his names backwards. So for you poor fools who don't understand: His first name is Satoshi and his last name is Yamada.).

"So, what did you need Mr. Yamada?" Ash asked, yawning afterwards.

"I came ta tell ya about that racket yer makin'. It's botherin' me and ma wife. Can ya keep it down?" He asked.

"I'll tell Mom." Ash replied.

"Thanks." Then Mr. Yamada left and Ash shut the door.

"MOOOOM! YER MAKIN' A RACKET! KEEP IT DOWN WILL YA?! IT'S BOTHERIN' THE NEIGHBOURS!" Ash yelled up the stairs at his mother who replied shortly after.

"I'M DONE ALREADY, 'KAY?!" Ash's mother returned almost immediately after covered in soot and dust and her clothes were slightly torn. She was dragging a censored corpse behind her.

Then, the censor flashed and went off ta reveal the terribly mutilated corpse of a. . . thing.

"Oops." It was a humanoid looking. . . thing, but it had mixed body parts sticking up everywhere and it looked absolutely disgusting. It had Xs on its eyes and its tongue was sticking out. The bottom half of its body was covered in a thick layer of fur and it had nails like knives on the toes. Then there were the ears. The. . . thing had six ears. Two on the very top of its head like rabbit ears, two normal looking human ears and in between the two sets of ears there was a set of cat ears. On each of the hands (there are multiple hands remember?) there were mixed animal furs and different types of claws.

"Mom. . . What is that?" Ash asked hesitantly.

"Oh, this? This is a shapeshifter. It changed into a shadow and hid in yer room, then after it figured out that you were thinking it conveniently set fire ta yer pillow." She replied smiling.

"So what are we gonna do with it?" Ash asked and instantly regretted it.

"Isn't that obvious? We're keepin' it as a pet!" Ash's mom replied, smiling brighter then before. "You should go ta bed. It's late and you have a date tamorrow, right?" With a smile, Ash went upstairs and slept in his, now perfectly fine, bed.

* * *

Ash woke up to the sound of Aberinkula(*4) and pressed the button on his alarm clock turning the song off. Ash yawned and got up. Then he began to remember what had happened the previous day and thought about it. He then remembered that he had a date at 11:00a.m., so he got up, got dressed and went downstairs for breakfast.

"My, my. You're up late today." Ash's mother said when he came into her line of sight. She placed a plate of unknown stuff in front of Ash. It looked kinda like a mixture o' fishbones, glitter glue an' mauve paint. . . I think. Oh well, whatever.

Anyways, Ash looked down at it. . . and screamed. He was used to the gross looking meals that his mother made, but this took the cake. I can't describe it without putting a nightmarish vision in yer mind so I'll save ya the pain and just say this: It looked like his mother had tried her hand a reviving people with alchemy(*5).

It screamed (the. . . food(?)) and then leaped at Ash. Ash screamed a very high pitched C and retreated back to the safety of his room. Ash's mother and the food shared a look and shrugged, going back to work on what they were doing before.

Ash himself had now developed a new phobia which would later be deemed, mymomscookingophobia. Ash yelled down to his mom sayin' that he didn't need food and would grab some on the way. He cursed a lot in the shout so I will not be writin that down for Imouto-chan's sake. Yer readin this right Imouto-chan? Please say that you are. I guess I should get back ta the story.

Ash opened the window to his room and jumped out of it landing perfectly on his two feet. He then proceeded ta lick himself cle- Wait what. Whoops, that's the wrong story line. Sorry :p. Ash then proceeded to whip out his flip phone and call A-chan. A-chan picked up after 7 rings and yelled at Ash.

"WHAT THE F**K ARE YA DOIN', NII-SAN?! DIDN'T I ALREADY TELL YA TA F**K OFF?! WHAT TIME DO YA F**KING THINK IT F**KING IS?! I ALREADY F**KING TOLD YA THAT I HAVE A DATE TODAY AT F**KING 11 O' CLOCK. DIDN'T I?! I DON'T WANT TA PUT UP WITH YER S**T THIS EARLY. F**K OFF! GO BE WITH YER B**CH OF A GIRLFRIEND ER SOMETHIN'! STOP F**KING BOTHERIN ME WITH YER F**KING NONSENSE! CANTCHA JUST GET RID O' THAT F**KING SISTER COMPLEX O' YERS?! IT'S UNEEDED AND ANNOYING AS F**K!" Ash listened in disbelief. His girlfriend was amazing. She could fit so many swear words into regular sentences that it put every teenager he'd ever met to shame.

" U-Ummmm. . . A-chan. . ." Ash tried to speak but was cut off by another voice on the line that shouldn't have been there.

"Aaaaaaah, I'm sorry A-chan. I just couldn't resist the temptation to call you. . . so I did. I want to say that I really love you and your outfit today as well. Is there some kind of occasion?" Ash sweat dropped at that. Had he not heard what A-chan had said before. The more Ash thought the more he began to recognise the voice. Then, one second, it clicked. The voice belonged to Random Person B or B-san for short. B-san was another one of Ash's neighbours. He was a very tall man, though, he wasn't taller than A-chan and he had bright purple hair which he thought that A-chan would like. Unfortunately A-chan hated the pink and, because of his annoyingness, also hated him.

"DIDN'T I JUST F**KING TELL YA?! I HAVE A F**KING DATE WITH MY NEW BOYFRIEND TODAY! GOOD-BYE!" A-chan finished and then hung up. Ash was still quite stunned and very intelligently said

"Ummm. . . What was that just now?" B-san made a startled noise but then directed his attention ta Ash.

"Who are you?" He asked and Ash told him that he was A-chan's boyfriend.

"I want to meet you. Tomorrow at 2:00 p.m., understand?" He said and then hung up. Ash dialled A-chan again and this time A-chan answered nicely.

"Hello? Who is it?"

"It's Ash. I'm calling to ask where our date is." Ash replied.

"Did you already forget? I said the movie theatre~." A-chan replied sweetly.

"Which one?" Ash asked, because while A-chan had said the movie theatre, there were multiple multiple movie theatres in the city.

"The one that's near the park." A-chan replied.

"Again, which park?"

"Boring Park A." With that A-chan hung up and Ash went to Boring Park A to wait for her.

* * *

**This is that boring part that you can totally skip. I just want ta say this though: Imouuuutoooo-channnnn are ya readin' this chapter too?**

**A/N: Okay onto the actuall Author's Note. Lately I find that ma laptop is havin' trouble with the spaces. Like I press space and there is no space then I press it again and It gives meh two spaces which isn't what I want. Anyways This chapter was really just buyin' time cause I wanted the third chapter ta be the date one. It was Just A random thought. Notice how I keep On adding random ****Capitals? That's like Abrain Defect that I have er somethin' like that. Also all the Words that're written weirdly like ta are litterrally just wordsthat ya sound outta make tha ta sound. They are not typos. Before I forget, I'm canadian, so I might write words differently from how you personally spell them. These are also not Typos. The onluy Typos Are in the Authpor's note caus im too laxy ta correct them. I'm so amazing! No I don't do drugs. Or Alcohol. This is just how I am. Again people who know me personlly should understand. I hava question for ya. Is Ice tea (like the stuff ya buy in stores. as beverages) better than tea that ya make at home (like the stuff that ya pour hot water inta and than add milk and sugar.)? Leave yer answers in the reviews. I really hope that people will read this. I gusss people really do hate OCs. This A/N is also really long. I'm sorry fer swearin'. In all ma years a life I have never once actually sworn out loud so yaeh. That was. onpurpoxdwjbid. ooops. That was on purpose was what I was Tryin' ta Say. Also I really do tallk with yas and tas. Also in the star thingy section the "Star #1" The # part is talkin' about how many stars there are. behind the word or sentence. Every time I do the star thinmgy section I have ta go back throught he story andfind the stars because a ma short termmemory again people who know me personally wioll understand. Have a nice day. Boring Park A is cause I couldn't decide on a name fer the park. I even Used a Park name generator. Imouto-chan are ya readin' this?|**

* * *

Star #1: Toy Train. . .

**The toy train that Ash wanted in this case was actually Thomas the Tank Engine. Hence the 12 not 5 part.**

Star #2: His Head Began To Steam. . .

**Ya know how sometimes stupid people will think so hard that steam comes out of their heads? That's what happened here. Then his pillow caught fire.**

Star #3: Yer Neighbour Who's Gonna Capture And Kill Ya. . .

**Fer those a ya who noticed: Yes I did add a knock knock joke inta this. Yes it was intentional. Yes I know that it's not funny.**

Star #4: Aberinkula.. .

**This is a song that I think. would be absolutely horrible ta wake up ta. It's by Mars Volta you can find it on Youtube.**

Star #5: Reviving People With Alchemy. . .

**This is a reference ta "Fullmetal Alchemist". It's really good. you should go watch it. I think it's on Netflix. Anyways this is referring to the stuff from the very beginning, where ****** and ******** try ta ****** ***** ******. Censored fer spoilers.**


	3. Act III: The Date

Ash sat on a park bench, waiting for A-chan. A while later, A-chan still hadn't arrived so Ash looked around the park and spotted. . . DUN! DUN! DUN! An acrobat on a tree practicing his tricks. Ash gaped at the acrobat. Not because his tricks were good but because He had a hugemongous(*1) hole where his liver would be. His innards were kinda spilling out and he didn't even seem to notice. It was then that a ginormous bee flew into Ash's mouth. Ash screamed. Then he stopped very abruptly as he saw A-chan walking towards him.

She was quite the sight to behold; her long, white hair was put up into a low braided bun and she was wearing a frilly white dress that went down ta her knees. She was wearing knee-high black socks that had crosses on the sides of their rims. Her socks were blocked from view in exchange fer her black flats, and her usual black hairband was replaced with a white lace one. She was also wearing a black lace choker around her neck, hanging from it was a gorgeous silver, valknut(*2) shaped, pendant. In her hand she held a small white clutch.

"Hey Ash!" A-chan greeted when she saw Ash sitting on the bench. She went over to Ash as he stood up.

"Hey A-chan! You look very pretty today." Ash said because it was the truth and he had nothing better ta say. Holding hands, they walked out of the park, towards the movie theatre.

When they reached the movie theatre they were met with a huge problem. They hadn't chosen which movie they wanted ta watch! So being the Ash that he was, Ash let A-chan pick the movie they were going to watch. In the end Ash payed for the tickets and the popcorn and they watched a movie called "Ash Kills Pikachu"(*3).

* * *

The screen was black in the beginning and then in large white letters, the words "Based off of the award winning novel by an anonymous author" appeared on the screen.

"In a strange land in which animals don't exist, there are wondrous creatures called "Pokémon". These creatures are blessed by God with amazing powers and are trained by humans to fight each other for the sake of entertainment." The movie started. "These humans that train these creatures are called "Pokémon trainers". Cruel, aren't they? Forcing poor creatures like Pokémon to fight with each other. I hope they're all vegan. . . One such Pokémon trainers is called Ash."

A-chan nudged Ash. "It's you! That's why I picked this movie."

"Ash strives to be the very best trainer there is and to catch them all. Are Pokémon collectable toys? Whether he means all the different types or all the Pokémon in the world, I have no idea. One day while Ash was at a very shady looking store, buying supplies, the shopkeeper asked him to go to an island. Now let us begin the story." Some curtains suddenly appeared and then opened and vanished.

Behind the curtains was scene #1. A person, about Ash's age, was wandering through a store. They turned a corner and faced the camera. A-chan gasped. The boy looked like he could kidnap and replace Ash with himself and never be found out.

"Hey, boy! Are you a Pokémon trainer?" The shady shopkeeper asked the boy in the movie. The movie Ash replied with a short "yes" and turned back ta look for something. "I recently found an unclaimed island. It's filled with Pokémon, I call it Madness Island. I was planning on exploring it myself this weekend, but something urgent came up and I can't go anymore. Will you go in my stead?" The shady shopkeeper asked.

"Yeah, sure. Why not?" Movie Ash said.

"Great! I'll rent a helicopter for you tomorrow. I'll tell you where to go for the helicopter." Then the movie Ash made his way over ta the counter the shady shopkeeper was behind and placed some items down.

The scene quickly changed from the store to movie Ash's sleeping space and showed movie Ash waking up, yawning, brushing his teeth and doing all of real Ash's morning routine.

"A-chan, this is weird. The movie Ash is too much like me to be normal." Real Ash whispered during a quiet part of the movie.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" An old lady yelled at Ash and A-chan from behind, to which A-chan replied. "YOU SHUT THE HELL UP! YOU'RE BEING WAY LOUDER THAN US!" Ash winced and waved his hands around a bit tryin' ta calm A-chan down.

"It's alright A-chan. Let's just all be quiet and watch the movie, okay?" A-chan nodded reluctantly and they all shut up.

By this time movie Ash had finished his daily routine and was now getting into the helicopter. The movie showed a few scenes about the helicopter ride and Madness Island before going to the part where the helicopter neared the island and the people driving it chucked Ash and his Pokémon, a creature called a Pikachu, out of the helicopter with parachutes.

Another scene change later, Ash and his Pokémon had landed safely on the island and were walking through the thick jungle on the island.

"Why didn't that shopkeeper tell me that it would be a jungle island." Movie Ash complained.

"Pika! Pika!" His Pokémon agreed. Soon, movie Ash had found a few shrubs with multicoloured berries and, for some reason, decided it was a good idea to feed the unknown berries to his starving Pokémon. The result was that they all died and Ash gained new knowledge: Everything on Madness Island was poisonous and made the corpses of those they killed poisonous as well.

From the bark to the berries, it was all poisoned. The water was fine though. So Ash continued to wander around for a couple days after chucking his dead friends' corpses.

On the 3rd day on the island, movie Ash ran out of food and being the greedy human that he was, he killed Pikachu and began to eat his friend's body. In the middle of his meal, movie Ash realised that he needed ta preserve his meal otherwise he would die sooner.

The next day, he set up camp near a lake and set off to find some ice to keep his meat fresh. Unfortunately Ash had already begun going crazy, so he was talking to himself. Movie Ash had been walking for quite some time before he came across another one of these Pokémon creatures. The narrator described the Pokémon as being "a rare ice-type Pokémon" and as such it could, unsurprisingly, create ice out of nothing.

The scene changed again after movie Ash had miraculously pulled out a pair of iron cuffs and placed them on the Pokémon. He was back at his camp and was, patiently chewing on some more of his favourite yellow rodent.

The next day in the movie portrayed a sad display of how sad and disturbed Ash was as he began sobbing heavily about his friends. Afterwards, the movie. showed a very gory, but real, display of Ash eating the rest of his friend and ended with Ash going psycho.

"That's the story of Ash the pikachu killer, now kids go to bed!" Was how the narrator and the producers decided ta finish the movie.

"Well. . . That was quite the movie." Ash said to A-chan after the lights came back on. A-chan, however, had turned to the old lady sitting behind them and had taken to muttering in a strange language at her.

* * *

As Ash and A-chan left the movie theatre, there was a sudden commotion that made them turn around.

The old lady that had yelled at them in the theatre had collapsed, clutching her heart in what was presumably pain.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" She screamed and then spat blood all over the place and died. . . I think.

"Ha! Serves her right." Ash heard A-chan mumble under her breath and he couldn't help but wonder if this had anything ta do with the strange language he had heard her speaking earlier. Not like Ash really even cared all that much if one er two old ladies died in front of him.

He mentally slapped himself. When had he become so uncaring about other people? Nope. Wait. Never mind, wrong story line again. Sorry.

Ash had never really cared that much about people, though he acted otherwise to fool the people. No. He had always been more empathetic towards objects and creatures. In fact, when he was 7, he had brought home a chair because he thought that it had looked lonely sitting there in front of someone's house after they presumably threw it away. Then he lit that person's house on fire with a firecracker and ran away from his dog(*4). Ash was never caught for it, but was from then on known to his mother as a little arsonist. He didn't regret it. So, they turned around, holding hands and walked away.

"What do ya wanna do now?" Ash asked A-chan as they walked around the city.

"How about we go grab lunch?" She suggested. Ash nodded, he _had_ been feeling a little hungry.

"Where do ya wanna go?" Ash asked and A-chan shrugged. So they wandered around aimlessly until A-chan spotted an Italian restaurant.

"Ash~ I wanna go eat Italian today~." She whined, so, they went for Italian food.

Again, Ash ended up paying for both of their meals and A-chan ate a lot. Like, _a LOT_. In fact, she ordered one of everything on the menu(*5).

The bill that Ash payed was massive because not only did A-chan eat a lot, the food was also very expensive due to it being _Italian_. It emptied Ash's pockets and threw him into debt with the Italian restaurant, but it was worth it to see that smile on A-chan's face. That's when Ash finally realised it: he was falling in love with A-chan. So, even though he ended up with a job as a waitress at the Italian restaurant to pay off debt, he was happy.

* * *

**Yes, yes. That was a very long chapter. I've said it before and I'll say it again: You Can skip Past this Part. It's just a long Author's Note.**

**A/N: Phew! That was a very long chapter. Longest by far. Hey look I finally did the date. This is the second consecutive day that I've written and posted so yaaaaaaaay! Also I'm about to go on a trip to other places. . . By car. So I won't have WiFi to write this for quite a while but I will still write and hopefully I'll publish all the chapters that I will hopefully write on the trip when I get back or get WiFi. Question: Which is better: Thunderstorms or dandelions answer via review! Also I know that I wrote waitress and Ash is a boy but I feel like havin' 'im ********** fer *** *** so ya. Don't really have much ta say taday. I wrote this while listening to rain sounds on a website called I'm not advertising. I feel like I had something important ta say but I ferget. DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER! My name is *****. I hate everything in the entire world. CAAAAAT EAAAAAARS! I suddenly had a thought. I'm sorry that I keep adding the wrong words/stroy line inta this story.**

**IMOOOOUUUUUUUTOOOOOOO-CHAAAAAAAN! WILL YA WEAR CAT EARS AND SEND MEH A FOTO? PLEEEEEEEAAAAAAASE! LISH TOOOOOOOOOO. Nico as welllllll. Yer alllllll readin' this write?**

* * *

Star #1: Hugemongous. . .

**This is an amazing word that I created. I sometimes use it. I think I'm about 5'8, so if ya see someone using this word who loooooks like meh please burst out inta song suddenly. Nope. Wait. Never mind. Don't burst out into song. I'd rather not be known as the person who has people randomly burst out inta song around meh. To make sure it's me though, I sometimes wear this blue head scarf with red stripes. I got it on a snowboarding trip ta Lake Louise in Banff. Don't go there in like august. It's hot as hell and crowded like a pot of boiling dumplings.**

Star #2: Valknut. . .

**This one you can just search up. It's Odin's symbol of death and I thought that it was fitting fer her ********* ******, so I added it. It's really cool.**

Star #3: "Ash Kills Pikachu.". . .

**This is one of my other stories. The movie in this chapter is a slightly different and less detailed version of it. It's only on . It's under this account too. It's actually my first story that I ever posted.**

Star #4: He Set Fire To The Person's House And Ran Away From Their Dog. . .

**Anyone recognise this? For those of you who don't: it's a reference ta "A Dog's Purpose" it's how *****'* ***** gets ****** **** by ****. I think it's a master piece and that you should all watch it.**

Star #5: She Ordered One Of Everything On The Menu. . .

**This is a reference ta " Man" it's about *****'* ******* and *** **** ** ****. Because he always ****** *** ** ********** ** *** **** when **'* ** * **********.**


	4. Act IV: The Dream

_Ring_. Ash gulped. But, that was completely normal because he was nervous. _R__ing_. He was calling his neighbour B-san because he had asked ta meet tomorrow at 2:00 p.m. but had not said where. _Ring_. Ash gulped again. _Beep_.

"Hello?" Came the voice of B-san.

"H-Hi." Ash said into his flip phone. "It's Ash. A-chan's boyfriend? I was calling about our meeting tomorrow. Where exactly do you want to meet me?"

"Don't worry about that, just stay at your house and I'll come find you." B-san said ominously, then hung up. Ash sighed in defeat and relief.

"Ash, honey, it's time to go to the dark dimension." So, Ash went downstairs to the bookshelf. When Ash got to the bookshelf, Bookshelf-chan squealed in delight.

"Ash-chan~! You came! I missed you so much!" With that Ash used page 573 and they went ta the dark dimension.

* * *

When Ash got back from the dark dimension it was 12:28 a.m. and he was dead tired. He sighed and went upstairs to take a bath.

Apparently late nights were gonna be a thing fer him from now on. He finished up his bath and plopped down on his bed. He fell asleep the moment his head hit the pillow.

That night, Ash had the strangest dream he had ever had and probably will ever have. He dreamt that he went to England on holiday and went on a sightseeing tour.

On the tour, the tour guide showed them an old French castle that belonged to a man named Guy de Loimbard. There were also some strangely dressed people standing outside the castle.

The tour guide told them to sit back and watch the show and some red velvet chairs appeared magically. One of the people outside the castle started yelling up to a person behind the wall.

"Hello!" The man said with an English accent.

"'Allo! Who is zis?" The castle guard yelled back with a very heavy and outrageous french accent.

"It is King Arthur and these are my knights of the round table." The man, now named King Arthur, yelled. "Whose castle is this?"

"This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard!" The guard replied.

"Go and tell your master that we have been charged by god with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail."

"Well, I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see." To this statement, King Arthur and his companions looked very shocked. The guard turned to someone behind the wall and said something inaudible that was met with snickers.

"What?" King Arthur asked in disbelief, to which he was very helpfully supplied, by one of his knights, with: "He says they've already got one!"

"Well, u-ummm. . . Can we come up and have a look?" King Arthur asked the guard who declined very rudely.

"Of course not! You are English types-e!" This statement seemed to confuse Arthur and his knights who had either not noticed his accent or were too stupid ta notice.

"Well what are you then?" King Arthur asked the guard.

"I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-e!" The guard yelled. The knight that had supplied King Arthur with very _helpful_ information earlier asked a question that seemed to be one everyone's mind: "What are you doing in England?"

"Mind your own business!" The guard replied rudely.

It was then that King Arthur returned from his thoughts. "If you will not show us the grail, we shall take your castle by force."

"You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur king, you and all your silly, English knnnnnnights(*1)" The guard taunted. After taunting them the guard proceeded to blow raspberries at them and pat his head. The same knight who had spoken up before spoke again. "What a strange person."

"Now look here my good man-" Arthur tried to reason but was cut off abruptly by the guard.

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!" Galahad, as it turns out the knight who spoke's name was, spoke again.

"Is there someone else up there we could talk to?"

"No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-e!" Arthur, who I completely forgot about, was beginning to get very frustrated.

"Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable." He said. But he was completely ignored by the guard who yelled something to the guards in the back.

"Fetcher la vache!(*2)" The other guard, who was probably also French, didn't seem to understand.

"Quoi?" He questioned to which the guard just repeated what he had said before.

"If you do not agree to my commands then I shall-" Arthur, oh wait, he's still here? Anyways, Arthur began but was cut off again, that's starting to get old, by a twanging sound. Then a cow flew towards them and hit one of their men.

"Jesus Christ!" Arthur yelled as the cow flew through the air. "Right! Charge!" He yelled and the knights charged at the castle yelling "Charge!".

The guards responded by throwing farm animals and vegetables at the knights. Ash, at one point, heard the guard yelling something at Arthur while throwing a cat at him.

"Ayyyh, this one is for your mother!" There were more twanging sounds and eventually the knights ran away yelling "Run away!"(*3)

* * *

Ash's eyes snapped open and he gasped(*4).

"Ash? Are you okay up there?" He heard his mother yell from downstairs.

"Yeah! I'm fine! I just ate two thousand bees and a bag of sand(*5)." Ash yelled back and his mother left him alone.

Ash looked at the time and was horrified to see that it was already 1:47 p.m.

"S**T!" He yelled as he got dressed remembering that B-san was going to meet him at 2:00 p.m. After Ash got dressed he looked at the time again and saw that it was 1:59 p.m.

"Now what do I do? I have no idea where B-san wants to meet." Ash sighed and sat down on his bed. I guess that he forgot what B-san had said to him yesterday. A few seconds later, at exactly the time that B-san said he was coming, Ash's room was filled with black smoke. When the smoke cleared Ash saw that there was a person now standing in the room.

"Hello Ash-chan~" Said the strange looking man. "I'm Random Person B."

* * *

**You should probably just skip this.**

**A/N: I'm very sorry. I went on a road trip with my dad. I didn't have _any_ time to write. I punched my 5 year-old step-sister. That wass fun. I also beat super Mario 3d land on my 2ds XL. Soi ya that was fun. I probably spent too much time reading fics on that trip. It was also my grandma on my dad's side's twin's 50th wedding anniversary so: CONGRATULATIONS to them. I watched a movie. It was "Scary stories to tell in the dark". FYI I'm 13. The movie was rated 14 or something. I have no idea what that means but I went with my mom. It was really funny. Especially the part where the random teenagers ran out of the theatre screaming. Ya. Life is okay. But it is veeeeeery painful. We wall wunderstand. Right? Or am I left. I just had a random thought. I'm gonna right a story called "Oh look! A scorpion!" as a side story to this one. I already have the whole thing thought out. I know this is a little short but I ****didn't want to add the B-san thing into this chapter. Also which one is better: Yerba Mate or Starbucks Iced tea. Please answer in the reviews. Onto the star thingies.**

**IMOUUUUUUUUTOOOOOOOO-CHAAAAAAAAAAN!**

* * *

Star #1: Knnnnnnights. . .

**Ya, so. . . Just sound it out. . . Or search up "Monty Python and the Holy Grail Guard taunting" on. . . Google?**

Star #2: Fetcher La Vache. . .

**This is from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" It's not real French.**

Star #3: The Entire Dream. . .

**The entire dream was the guard taunting scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" It's on Netflix so if you want to watching it it's there.**

Star #4: Ash's Eyes Snapped Open And He Gasped. . .

**This is that thing they do in scary movies where the person has just had a dream or has just been K. and then they wake up. Ya know?**

Star #5: I Just Ate Two Thousand Bees And A Bag Of Sand. . .

**This was a really random thought that I had. I just put it in the sake of it. It might be explained it might not. Who knows? Me. I know. I'm not gonna tell ya~**


	5. Act V: The Older Brother

"H-Hi" Ash stuttered. He hadn't expected B-san to arrive through magic.

"So, you're Ash-chan. I was wondering what A-chan's boyfriend would be like. You are cute." B-san said, completely ignoring Ash as he inspected him.

"U-Um. . . B-san?" Ash asked, slightly concerned that B-san had ignored him.

"I approve. Now, let's talk." B-san said and Ash sweat dropped. "My name is Random Person B. You probably call me B-san. I am A-chan's self-appointed older brother. . . On closer inspection, you're actually really cute." B-san said, getting uncomfortably close at the last part.

"I think that I already knew your name." Ash said. "I just wanted to know something: how did you get into my house?"

"Simple. I used magic. Now, I've decided something really important that you should know, like, right now. I like you. Will you marry me(*1)?" B-san asked and Ash nodded then did a double take.

"What?!" He screamed and B-san latched onto him and started rubbing against his face.

"Yay! Now you can't marry A-chan and I can have you all to myself~ Ash-chan, you really are too cute~ It would be such a shame if you were to marry someone other than me~ Then I wouldn't be able to have you all to myself~" B-san sang in a cheery voice.

Ash punched him in the stomach.

"GET THE HELL OFFA ME!" He yelled at B-san, but B-san didn't even seem to have taken the blow and just continued to rub Ash's stoma- wait. . . I apologise, that's the wrong story line again. He just continued to rub his face against Ash's.

Then, Ash remembered something. He had a job(*2).

"H-Hey! Can you please get off of me? I have to get to my job to pay off my debt." Ash said and B-san raised an eyebrow.

"What debt?" He asked and Ash explained all about the his and A-chan's date and how she'd eaten so much that he had a debt to pay. At the end B-san finally let go of Ash.

Ash jumped out of his window and ran really fast towards the Italian restaurant. When he got there the owner motioned for him to follow him inside and Ash obliged.

* * *

Ash came out of the employee change room in a nice, frilly, thigh-high skirt and a frilly white headband(*3).

Ash was most definitely not blushing.

No, I'm serious he actually wasn't blushing like you'd expect. Back to the outfit description.

He was wearing a white blouse with a bow around the neck and the aforementioned frilly thigh-high skirt that slightly resembled that of a maid café employee uniform. Overtop of the blouse there was a black covering and overtop of the bottom half there was a white half apron. The owner had also given him hair extensions so that he looked more like what the owner wanted him to look like.

As it turned out, the owner of the restaurant had a maid uniform fetish and the second he laid his eyes on Ash he decided that he wanted Ash to wear the uniform that he had bought in secret. Let's just keep this between you, me and the restaurant owner: the owner charged more than the actual price just so that he could get Ash to work there for an extended period of time. Anyways, Ash actually found it to be quite comfortable and he decided that he enjoyed wearing it.

At least up until Gary(*4) walked past the restaurant.

"Ash? Dude, is that you?" Gary asked him laughing. Ash nodded, his head hung low so no one would see the deep blush on his face.

"Man, I just got a huge scoop. I'm totally gonna publish this in the school paper. Imagine that. In big letter as the headline: Ash Ketchup(*5) is a crossdresser and works at 'Il Pecatto Dell'avidità(*6)', an Italian restaurant." Gary keeled over in laughter and Ash stomped up to him. But, before he could do anything (i.e. punch him in the face then beat him up) a squid(*7) flew out of the bushes beside them and hit Gary in the face.

Gary screamed like a little gi- wait that's sexist. Screamed like the little boy he was and ran away. Ash shrugged and, because he really didn't care as much about random squids flying out of the bushes as he should, went back to work.

"Hello, my name is Satan(*8). I will be serving your table for your meal." Ash said to a newly arrived table of four guests. Ash placed four menus on the table and left to go to the kitchen to see if any of his other tables' orders were ready.

Multiple times during the day people said that he was a very cute girl and none of them noticed that he was actually a guy. Every time someone called him cute, strange noises were heard from the bush that the squid that hit Gary came from. The bush that was now named the squid bush by Ash.

* * *

At the end of his shift Ash was very tired and the second he left the restaurant he was tackled. B-san had leapt from the squid bush and hugged him from the side.

"I should've guessed it was you." Ash muttered to himself and then he attempted to walk home with B-san clinging onto his waist.

Key word: attempted. Unfortunately for Ash, he couldn't walk with B-san around his waist. B-san seemed to realise that and he let go of Ash's waist only to grab him by the hand the next second.

"Let's go shopping Ash-chan~!" He said excitedly and began dragging Ash down the street. Ash just glumly accepted his fate.

* * *

Everyone was staring at Ash and B-san. Apparently, B-san had thought that Ash was a crossdresser and had decided to take him to several shops to buy more feminine clothes.

Ash was carrying, like, twenty bags of extremely girly clothes, thus the staring. Ash had long ago given up on being embarrassed and was now just enjoying his time out as much as he could, because, even though B-san was very annoying, Ash couldn't help but like him. He was like the big brother Ash had asked Santa for every Christmas from when he was 5 to when he was 10 but never got.

Ash had also discovered something that he never thought he would find in himself. He had a new passion: crossdressing. So Ash decided to enjoy this shopping trip as much as he could. Besides, B-san was paying for all of the stuff that they were buying.

B-san suddenly pulled Ash into another shop. This one was a very gloomy looking shop that looked like it would sell stuff for what humans called black magic(*9).

"Look Ash-chan~ This shop sells gothic clothes. You would look great in those~!"

When they entered the shop, they noticed that there were only, like, I don't know, four people? Anyways, there were only four people and they were all buying things for what humans believe to be magic. B-san pulled Ash right past them and into the clothes section. B-san had very quickly found many, many outfits for Ash to try on.

One of the outfits was a navy blue, satin ballgown paired with a matching navy blue choker and a matching pair of navy blue silk gloves. Ash put the outfit on and B-san lit up in delight at the sight.

Oh great. Now I'm rhyming.

So yeah, B-san looked like he really liked the dress and he decided, right then and there, that regardless of what Ash thought, he was going to buy it and make him wear it later.

Other outfits were not as appealing to B-san and Ash and were chucked into the discard pile.

When they finally walked out of the store, B-san bumped into a man wearing only a pair of shorts and, like any sane person would do, ignored it. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do. The man turned around and glared at them.

"Hey! Brat! Ya bumped into me! Apologise to me now, or I'll kill ya!" He demanded and B-san rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

"Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to bump into you. My bad." He said. That. . . was also the wrong thing to do. The man apparently really wanted to kill him and now that he'd made him even angrier, the man was going to kill them both.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU BOTH!" He screamed at them and B-san ducked behind Ash pushing him towards the man.

"You wouldn't kill such a cute young girl, would you?" He asked and the man hesitated, looking at Ash, who was wearing his new clothes so that people would stop giving him weird looks.

"True. . . She _is_ very cute." The man said with a thoughtful look on his face. "I'm gonna take you to the boss. He can decide what to do with ya." The man said as he picked B-san up and carried him like a sack o' potatoes. "If you want to help yer brother, ya better keep up, princess! I'm Lasagna by the way, Zucchini Lasagna(*10)." The man yelled towards Ash who, really, didn't want B-san to die and followed the man into the shop.

* * *

**You can just skip this part.**

**A/N: You may have noticed that I changed the star thingy thing on all the previous chapters. Is cause I find that there are too many star thingies. I am currently in Montreal at the moment that I am writing this, so the chapters might come out a little bit slower. It's not like I had a Schedule though. What do ya think is better: Monotheism or Polytheism. If you don't under stand here is and easier one: Which one is better: Cheerios or Cornflakes? Answer in the reviews please. Also: PLEASE REVIEW! T_T. I only have two reviews and they come from me and one of my friends. PLeasssse review. That's it I think. Oh yeah, before I forget chapter one of this fic is set on a Friday after Ash's school in case you were wondering about how the time works out. Sadly, this will not be one of those things where I spend a lot of time making up crappy names for extra days of the week. I have better stuff to do in that precious time, for instance write the next chapter of this fic or watch anime. Onto the star thingies.**

**IMOUUUUUUTOOOOOOOOO-CHAAAAAAAAAAAN!**

* * *

Star #1: Will You Marry Me. . .

**This was another one of those random things that I just felt like putting in. It was also to get Ash to stop thinking. Remember what happened last time he thought. . . Yeah.**

Star #2: He Had A Job. . .

**In case your brain is the size of your pinky or you just have bad memory like moi: this is from chapter three in which Ash falls into debt because of his date with A-chan**

Star #3: Frilly, Thigh-High Skirt And A Frilly White Headband. . .

**Again, in case you forgot: At the end of chapter three it literally says that he has a job as a waitress.**

Star #4: Gary. . .

**I completely forgot he existed so yeah but I was going to put Ash into schoool and that's when I remembered he existed. I bet you forgot about him too while reading this fic.**

Star #5: Ash Ketchup. . .

**Since this isn't the world of pokemon why in the hell should Ash's last name be Ketchum so I changed it into my first impression of his last name.**

Star #6: Il Pecatto Dell'avidità. . .

**Google translate . It's supposed to be Italian for "The Sin Of Greed" named after an Italian restaurant on a list of weirdest Italian restaurant names. The original is called "The sin of gluttony"**

Star #7: A Squid Flew Out Of The Bushes Beside Them And Hit Gary In The Face. . .

**This is yet another reference to " -Man" IN the episode of *******'* **** where ***** throws ********* at all of the ****.**

Star #8: Hello My Name Is Satan. . .

**Ash changed his name so that people wouldn't know that he's a guy. Little does he know that Ash is a unisex name according to "baby " I chose Satan because: That's the name of my phone and also because I wanted to make a point: I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SPELL SATAN WRONG. IT'S JUST LOOKS SOUNDS AND IS _WRONG_. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY WRITE IT AS SATIN. YA KNOW?! OF COURSE NOT. IT'S SO FRIGGIN' ANNOYING THAT I TRY ** **** **** **** ***** ** *****! Censored for personal privacy.**

Star #9: What Humans Called Black Magic. . .

**Please have a better memory that this if I even have to explain it. Ash, B-san, and Delia as well as ****** in the future practice black magic. Real black magic.**

Star #10: Zucchini Lasagna. . .

**I know that this is a terrible name and It's meant to Be just that. I found a list of worst names parents have actually given their children and Lasagna was one of them. So I decided to make it worse. Nyehehe. "^" I'm sorry for adding so many star thingies.**


	6. Act VI: The Other Job

Apparently the only reason that the shop hadn't been shut down was because it was a base of operations for illegal weapons selling. Lasagna just so happened to be a member of the illegal weapons selling organisation.

Ash followed Lasagna as he carried B-san. "So, princess. What's your name?" Lasagna asked and Ash flinched at the question.

What should he do? Should he tell Lasagna his real name or should he tell him his work name?

"I-I'm Satan." Ash lied as he decided to use his work name.

"Well, it's nice to finally know your name." Lasagna said as they turned a corner in the hallway. At the end of the corridor there was a set of doors. It was a very intimidating set of doors. They were made of wood and had these weird pictures on them that seemed to depict a person fighting off a bunch of dogs with snakes for tails and lions manes. The doors were suddenly opened as Lasagna came close to them and they walked into the room.

Inside the room, there was a desk right in front of the door. Behind the desk there was. . . a person. DUN! DUN! DUNN! The person was. . . sitting on a chair. DUN! DUN! DUNN!

"Hello, Lasagna. What brings you to my office today?" The man asked, not taking notice of Ash and B-san.

"I came to your office today because as I was walking into the base to do some of my job, this thing bumped into me." Lasagna said pointing to B-san.

"Oh~? I see. Might I ask what their names are?" The man behind the desk asked.

"The princess here is called Satan and I have no idea what the little punk over my shoulder is called. Oi! Idiot, what's yer name?" Lasagna said and was answered with some muffled sounds from B-san.

"What'd ya say?"

"I said, PUT ME DOWN!" B-san yelled at Lasagna who complied for some strange reason. "Thank you. My name is Random Person B. This cutie here is Satan, my little sister. Right Imouto-chan?(*1)" Then, seemingly without a second thought, B-san latched himself onto Ash and started rubbing his face on Ash's face.

"Let go of me, _Onii-chan_." Ash yelled, getting the hint from B-san to play along.

"That really doesn't matter right now. Welcome to the world of illegal weapons selling, little girls(*2). My name is Sir Ywain(*3) LXXVIII(*4), I am the creator of this operation. Nice to meet you." The man behind the desk said, getting the attention of all the people in the room.

"Nice ta meetcha." Ash said and then went back to trying to kick B-san off of him.

"So Lasagna, what did you bring them here for?" Sir Ywain LXXVIII asked Lasagna who was sweat dropping at the supposed siblings.

"Huh? Oh I just thought I'd make 'em pay me a little cash fer bumpin' inta me. Then I noticed that the girly here was quite pretty, an' so I decided ta bring 'em down 'ere ta meetcha. Maybe even help us in our sellin'. See, she's a pretty cute little girly, right? And the guy's pretty good lookin' too. They could help us in our meerkattin'." Lasagna said and Sir Ywain LXXVIII, it's getting annoying to say that so I'll just call 'im Ywain, sighed and facepalmed.

"I'll admit that it's a good idea." Ywain said and Lasagna cheered. Ash, quite frankly, didn't yet care what crazy crap he had just gotten himself into and B-san wanted to continue rubbing his face on Ash's.

"You two can go home now." Ywain said with a shooing motion.

"What about my work?" Ash asked as he finally began to process what had been said by Ywain. "I can't just come when I'm called. I have a very busy schedule you know. What, with my training, my job and school. I barely have any free time." Ash said and Ywain smirked.

"Well, Satan, I suppose that means that we should work out a schedule to accommodate all of your activities." So they stayed there another 2 hours trying to figure out how to work out a schedule for Ash(*5).

* * *

Ash sighed as he walked home, B-san still strapped around his waist.

"Do you mind letting go now, _Onii-chan_." Ash growled out in an intimidating voice with a nice firm glare on his face.

"But, Ash-chan! I love you! Like the little brother I never got! I don't want to let go of you!" B-san wailed and Ash sighed again. "Ash-chan, I have a question for you. Lots and lots of people have called me a sis-com. What's a sis-com?" B-san asked and Ash sighed for the third time this section.

"Sis-com is short for sister complex. You, quite clearly, had a sister complex before you met me, because you were constantly bothering A-chan about every little thing. Now, though, I'd say that you have a brother complex. Clinging onto me all the time. Let go please." Ash said with the fourth sigh this section.

"No!" B-san said, puffing his cheeks up like a little kid. So, Ash trudged home in girls clothes with an older guy attached to his waist and a new job selling weapons illegally. Ash sighed. Again.

* * *

Ash threw the door to his house open and walked into his house. Looking at the time that said 4:48 p.m. he sighed and yelled that he was home. His mother, thankfully, had not yet started dinner, so Ash walked to his room, changed into comfier clothes and went into the kitchen to make dinner.

He started with a big pot of his mother's. . . goop and worked until the. . . goop had become a stew that smelled very good.

"There! All fixed!" Ash exclaimed in triumph as he looked at the stew that actually looked safe to eat. He checked the time again and this time it said 6:27 p.m.

"Mom! Dinner's ready!" Ash yelled from his kitchen and his mother replied with a scream. Of course, the scream did not come from his mother. It came from the shapeshifter from chapter 2.

"Mom! Those screams are getting really annoying please stop tortur- I mean taming the shapeshifter. We can use words you know!" Ash yelled in annoyance. Because, while I may not have mentioned it, Ash was cooking while screams were emanating from the basement. His mother had apparently decided to tortu- I mean tame the poor creature while he was making dinner. I didn't expect it to take this long though. I mean, come on! How long does it take to tame a shapeshifter? She'a already had almost 2 hours. I would've had it done by now.

Anyways, Ash's mother came upstairs a few moments later and sat down at the nicely set table. In the middle of the table there was an extravagant, silver candleholder that had a tall red candle lit and in it. In front of the 2 chairs at the table there were 2 grey placemats and on the placemats were elegantly folded cloth napkins on top of silver plates and next to a set of silver cutlery.

The plates were set in the middle of the placemats and the cutlery was placed around the plate. On the left side of the plate were 2 forks, the fork closer to the plate, the table fork, was for the main meal and the dessert fork, the one to the right of the table fork, for the dessert and salad.

On the right side of the plate there were 2 knives and 3 spoons. The knife closest to the plate was the table knife, used for the main meal, like the table fork, farther left, beside the table knife, was the dessert knife, used for dessert and salad. Beside the dessert knife there was the soup spoon, mainly used for soups and broths. Beside _that_, was the dessert spoon, used for, you guessed it, dessert. The final spoon, located on the left side of the dessert spoon was the teaspoon, used for post meal tea(*6).

"Ash." Ash's mother said and Ash looked up from what he was doing, which was serving the first bowl of soup.

"Yeah?"

"I smell seafood." She replied.

"So, where is the fish knife and fork fish?" She asked menacingly.

"Oh. I made seafood soup, so I figured we wouldn't need them. " Ash replied cheerfully, completely immune to his mothers menacing aura.

"Ok." She said and the aura disappeared in a split second. So, they ate their meal in peace and the time finally came when Ash's mother asked about B-san.

"Ash, you know B-san right?" She asked and Ash nodded.

"Well, you see. You know that I sometimes go away on "business trips" right?" Ash nodded again.

"The truth is, I have an aristocratic position in the dark dimension, and those business trips are actually me going to do my job there. So, I asked B-san if he could be a substitute for when I'm in the dark dimension on business, and I was just going to tell you. You know, in case you were allergic to the guy." Ash's mother said, but Ash didn't even register the last sentence.

He was horrified. Not registering the last sentence, though, turned out to be one of the worst decisions Ash's unconscious mind would make. Too quietly for his mother to hear he mumbled something.

"This is gonna suck."

* * *

**You should probably just skip this amazing Author's note.**

**A/N: longest chaPTER ive ever ritten tor this prpbably sucked and if you want to know why go read my profile. I don;t really jabe much so way. Ya. I started watching something but I'm forgetting what it is. Oh Well. Nya. Write nya next Time~ nya~ Also which is better? Potatoes or Tomatoes? Answer with review. I go edit previous chapters for mistake now. Sorry it wasn't that funny today. I'm tired okay. While I may not stay up till like 3:00 a.m. just for my fics, I still do get tired. Onto the star thingies. Man, I love those. I feel like my irises have been changing color recently.**

**Imouto-chan are ya** **readin'?**

* * *

Star #1: Imouto-chan. . .

**Ya get it? Imouuuutoooo-channnnn. This is referring to my Imouto-chan. Only I'mm allowed to call ya that, got it?!**

Star #2: Little Girls. . .

**Oooooh the irony. They're both guys. But Ywain was referring to their lack of experience.**

Star #3: Sir Ywain. . .

**Sir Ywain was a knight of king Arthur's round table. There's a wikipedia page on him but little is written about him because I'm referring to Sir Ywain the Bastard and not Sir Ywain who is otherwise known as the knight with a lion. Oh, by the way, it's pronounced yevain.**

Star #4: LXXVIII. . .

**For those of you stupid enough to not now Roman numerals: L is equal to fifty, X is equal to ten, V is equal to five and I is equal to one. Add it up. 3. . . 2. . . 1. . . still haven't figured it out? He's Sir Ywain the 78th.**

Star #5: A Schedule For Ash. . .

**I actually took the time to write an entire weekly schedule for Ash. If you want to see it, I'll post it if I get like 1 review telling me to post it.**

Star #6: The Full Set Of Cutlery. . .

**I researched a traditional full set of cutlery. There are very many pieces. 3 spoons, 3 forks (if there is seafood), 3 knives (if there is seafood). I did the research and if you don't believe me you can search it up. _Although my teacher did tell me to confirm my source with at least three different websites. _So, the full set consists of: a table fork, a table knife, a soup spoon, a salad/dessert fork, a salad/dessert knife, a dessert spoon, a fork fish, a fish knife and finally a tea spoon. No I am not kidding. A fork fish. That's wha my source said. Now then, to go and post this chapter.**

**Also, when Lasagna said meerkatin' he actually meant marketing but because he's so stupid, he can never get it right.**


End file.
